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The speaker discusses their experience of writing a book titled "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children," motivated by the common issues people face with their in-laws around the world. They emphasize that the complexities of in-law relationships vary culturally and can lead to confusion due to different expectations and familial dynamics. The speaker highlights the common insecurity individuals feel in comparing themselves to others, particularly regarding wealth and education, but reassures that what matters most to family members is love and presence rather than material gifts.

As societies change, especially in different countries like India, there are shifting expectations about living arrangements with in-laws, illustrating the evolving nature of family structures. The speaker points out the importance of understanding these relationships and warns against putting spouses in difficult positions where they must choose between their partner and their parents. They stress the complexity of human relationships, encourage forgiveness, and promote an understanding of the diverse ways people can connect, asserting that difficulties are a natural part of building strong relationships. Ultimately, the message is to value genuine connections over competition and to adapt to changing dynamics within family relationships.

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00:00.325 --> 00:03.365
I had written my first book, don't Bite Your Tongue.

00:03.545 --> 00:05.645
How to Foster Rewarding Relationships

00:05.715 --> 00:06.805
with Your Adult Children.

00:07.405 --> 00:09.565
I would always pick a shorter title in the future,

00:10.105 --> 00:11.525
but at any rate,

00:12.145 --> 00:15.365
and I kept hearing that people were having problem

00:15.435 --> 00:16.525
with their in-laws.

00:17.305 --> 00:18.685
And so that was my motivation.

00:18.805 --> 00:21.925
I thought, wow, this is a whole new topic.

00:22.505 --> 00:25.125
And I started talking with people and researching,

00:25.225 --> 00:27.525
and that's how the book happened to get written.

00:27.745 --> 00:30.165
The other thing is I was speaking all around the world

00:30.825 --> 00:34.665
and I found this issue was universal, that,

00:34.885 --> 00:39.065
in China, in India, in America, in Britain,

00:39.905 --> 00:42.065
everyone was grappling with their in-laws.

00:42.725 --> 00:47.105
And part of the problem is nobody knows what an in-law is,

00:47.845 --> 00:49.545
in different countries.

00:49.685 --> 00:51.665
It per certainly in the English language,

00:51.925 --> 00:55.785
we use the term in-law, meaning, spouse of our child.

00:56.445 --> 00:59.305
We also use it for the other parents.

01:00.285 --> 01:04.065
We also use it for, in some families, it includes the kids

01:04.125 --> 01:05.985
and the aunts and the uncles and the siblings.

01:06.685 --> 01:08.305
So, in English,

01:08.305 --> 01:11.385
we only have one word in many language in Farsi,

01:11.405 --> 01:15.665
in in Spanish and Yiddish people have special terms

01:16.295 --> 01:18.825
that, that designate these people.

01:19.205 --> 01:21.745
And with that comes a lot of different obligations.

01:22.225 --> 01:26.585
I think in some ways it's a little insecurity,

01:26.615 --> 01:29.785
wondering, my God, these other people are richer than I,

01:29.805 --> 01:32.505
or these other people are more educated than I,

01:32.645 --> 01:35.345
or these other people are more talented than I.

01:36.045 --> 01:38.635
And in fact, they may be,

01:39.415 --> 01:42.995
but that's not what the kids and grandparents care about.

01:43.095 --> 01:45.235
Uh, the grandchildren care about.

01:45.705 --> 01:49.275
They care about how you love them, how you help them.

01:49.975 --> 01:53.195
And so I say to people, run your own race.

01:54.015 --> 01:56.835
You may not be able to take them on a fabulous tour

01:56.835 --> 01:59.395
around the world every year,

01:59.695 --> 02:01.955
but you might be able to take them to the park

02:02.775 --> 02:04.915
and, you know, give them full attention

02:05.095 --> 02:07.715
and play with the little kids on the swings

02:07.735 --> 02:11.075
or give them a weekend away for the grownups.

02:11.655 --> 02:13.795
So, I would say run your own race.

02:14.215 --> 02:15.835
Uh, this is not a competition.

02:16.225 --> 02:17.875
This is building a relationship.

02:18.385 --> 02:20.195
Well, I think it's the ambiguity.

02:21.135 --> 02:24.675
So, we don't really know what the relationship is.

02:24.985 --> 02:26.275
It's changing all the time.

02:26.695 --> 02:28.635
So even if you marry the boy

02:28.655 --> 02:29.875
or girl next door,

02:30.505 --> 02:34.915
each family has its own little subtle rules and regulations,

02:35.655 --> 02:38.595
and it's very hard to figure out exactly what those are

02:38.765 --> 02:42.915
until you are actually, in the relationship.

02:43.535 --> 02:46.875
Uh, and we also know they're changing around the world.

02:47.135 --> 02:48.595
So for example, in India,

02:49.425 --> 02:53.195
when I was living in India back in the sixties, I found

02:53.345 --> 02:56.715
that, all my friends were living

02:57.065 --> 02:59.425
with their husband's parents.

03:00.485 --> 03:03.305
Now, the young people don't wanna do that, so

03:03.975 --> 03:06.785
there's an expectation of the older generation

03:06.785 --> 03:08.105
that is not being met.

03:09.095 --> 03:11.715
Uh, they live with their in-laws

03:12.055 --> 03:14.355
and now their children don't wanna live with them.

03:14.815 --> 03:17.955
So that's changing, and it's changing all around the world.

03:18.655 --> 03:22.275
And also, different subcultures have very different,

03:22.835 --> 03:24.915
thoughts and, and feelings about

03:24.985 --> 03:27.115
what is your obligation to be in-laws.

03:27.455 --> 03:29.795
So for example, in some families, you are supposed

03:29.795 --> 03:33.075
to be at every kid's graduation, every

03:33.735 --> 03:35.475
holiday event.

03:36.135 --> 03:38.195
And in others it's only the nuclear

03:38.195 --> 03:39.595
family, which gets together.

03:40.225 --> 03:44.555
Some in-laws may expect to be, you know, really close

03:44.555 --> 03:45.755
with their in-law child.

03:46.295 --> 03:48.235
And the in-law child may not like it.

03:48.335 --> 03:50.555
So one might, for example, come from a family

03:50.555 --> 03:52.475
where you run in and you hug everyone,

03:53.695 --> 03:57.755
and another family is finds that a little offputting,

03:58.135 --> 03:59.275
the newcomers to the family.

03:59.345 --> 04:01.395
Well, what are these strangers hugging me for?

04:02.455 --> 04:06.035
Uh, in that some families are expected to call the in-laws.

04:06.655 --> 04:11.595
Uh, you, you as the in-law parent expect your in-law child

04:11.595 --> 04:13.195
to call you mother or father.

04:14.405 --> 04:17.265
And the child being, no, no, no, I got my own mother

04:17.285 --> 04:18.825
and father, I don't wanna call you that.

04:19.525 --> 04:23.265
So, it can be very complicated for them also.

04:23.925 --> 04:27.025
But what's interesting is it can change over time.

04:28.005 --> 04:31.945
So many times, when the young couple meets

04:32.125 --> 04:35.425
and bonds, they get married, their focus is on each other.

04:36.645 --> 04:40.225
And then over time, if they have children, for example,

04:40.775 --> 04:42.825
they may decide, we need your help.

04:43.365 --> 04:46.105
And this certainly happened during Covid, that

04:46.175 --> 04:47.585
that families suddenly realized,

04:47.645 --> 04:49.225
my goodness, I need help.

04:49.565 --> 04:53.545
And who do they turn to? The parents or the in-laws.

04:53.545 --> 04:56.825
Yeah, even in, as one of the things that happened

04:56.845 --> 05:00.385
and is we're revolutionary over Zoom, we discovered how

05:00.385 --> 05:02.495
to babysit virtually.

05:03.475 --> 05:06.495
So I remember one day in particular where I was,

05:06.495 --> 05:09.175
babysitting for one of my children on one coast

05:09.515 --> 05:11.535
and one of my children on the other coast,

05:12.195 --> 05:13.535
and I put them together

05:14.115 --> 05:17.135
and I was babysitting for two children on two to co

05:17.315 --> 05:18.855
to coasts for an hour.

05:20.705 --> 05:24.845
And so a lot of creativity, parents, grandparents, you know,

05:24.845 --> 05:26.485
the beginning was, can you hear me?

05:26.505 --> 05:29.405
Can you hear me? And then grandparents became incredibly

05:30.325 --> 05:32.725
creative cooking with their grandchildren,

05:32.725 --> 05:34.605
singing nursery songs with them,

05:34.715 --> 05:37.605
keeping the kids busy, don't cause trouble.

05:39.155 --> 05:42.255
In other words, don't put your spouse in a position

05:42.345 --> 05:44.175
where they have to choose between you

05:44.475 --> 05:49.095
and the in-law, you, you and their parent.

05:49.485 --> 05:52.855
Because, you know, we all have obligations to both people.

05:53.115 --> 05:55.015
We owe our parents something,

05:55.205 --> 05:56.415
they brought us into the world.

05:57.185 --> 06:01.325
Um, although certainly in Western countries, we think less

06:01.325 --> 06:05.525
of that obligation, but we, we have some obligations.

06:05.575 --> 06:08.445
We're probably not gonna leave our parents living under a

06:08.445 --> 06:10.725
bridge if we can possibly avoid that.

06:11.505 --> 06:16.325
So I would say if follow your spouse's lead on this,

06:17.245 --> 06:18.765
I hope you take from the book

06:19.075 --> 06:21.965
that all human relationships are complex

06:23.105 --> 06:26.885
and the only relationships that can exist are ones

06:27.475 --> 06:30.405
that have some difficulties and then move on.

06:32.075 --> 06:34.895
So I would urge you all to be forgiving.

06:36.315 --> 06:39.555
I would urge you all to understand that there are many,

06:39.745 --> 06:41.915
many different ways of relating to people,

06:42.815 --> 06:45.395
and they're not necessarily right or wrong.

00:00 - I had written my first book, don't Bite Your Tongue. How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children. I would always pick a shorter title in the future, but at any rate, and I kept hearing that people were having problem

00:15 - with their in-laws. And so that was my motivation. I thought, wow, this is a whole new topic. And I started talking with people and researching, and that's how the book happened to get written. The other thing is I was speaking all around the world and I found this issue was universal, that, in China, in India, in America, in Britain, everyone was grappling with their in-laws. And part of the problem is nobody knows what an in-law is,

00:47 - in different countries. It per certainly in the English language, we use the term in-law, meaning, spouse of our child. We also use it for the other parents. We also use it for, in some families, it includes the kids and the aunts and the uncles and the siblings. So, in English, we only have one word in many language in Farsi, in in Spanish and Yiddish people have special terms that, that designate these people.

01:19 - And with that comes a lot of different obligations. I think in some ways it's a little insecurity, wondering, my God, these other people are richer than I, or these other people are more educated than I, or these other people are more talented than I. And in fact, they may be, but that's not what the kids and grandparents care about. the grandchildren care about. They care about how you love them, how you help them. And so I say to people, run your own race.

01:54 - You may not be able to take them on a fabulous tour around the world every year, but you might be able to take them to the park and, you know, give them full attention and play with the little kids on the swings or give them a weekend away for the grownups. So, I would say run your own race. this is not a competition. This is building a relationship. Well, I think it's the ambiguity.

02:21 - So, we don't really know what the relationship is. It's changing all the time. So even if you marry the boy or girl next door, each family has its own little subtle rules and regulations, and it's very hard to figure out exactly what those are until you are actually, in the relationship. and we also know they're changing around the world. So for example, in India, when I was living in India back in the sixties, I found

02:53 - that, all my friends were living with their husband's parents. Now, the young people don't wanna do that, so there's an expectation of the older generation that is not being met. they live with their in-laws and now their children don't wanna live with them. So that's changing, and it's changing all around the world. And also, different subcultures have very different, thoughts and, and feelings about

03:24 - what is your obligation to be in-laws. So for example, in some families, you are supposed to be at every kid's graduation, every holiday event. And in others it's only the nuclear family, which gets together. Some in-laws may expect to be, you know, really close with their in-law child. And the in-law child may not like it. So one might, for example, come from a family

03:50 - where you run in and you hug everyone, and another family is finds that a little offputting, the newcomers to the family. Well, what are these strangers hugging me for? in that some families are expected to call the in-laws. you, you as the in-law parent expect your in-law child to call you mother or father. And the child being, no, no, no, I got my own mother and father, I don't wanna call you that. So, it can be very complicated for them also.

04:23 - But what's interesting is it can change over time. So many times, when the young couple meets and bonds, they get married, their focus is on each other. And then over time, if they have children, for example, they may decide, we need your help. And this certainly happened during Covid, that that families suddenly realized, my goodness, I need help. And who do they turn to? The parents or the in-laws. Yeah, even in, as one of the things that happened

04:56 - and is we're revolutionary over Zoom, we discovered how to babysit virtually. So I remember one day in particular where I was, babysitting for one of my children on one coast and one of my children on the other coast, and I put them together and I was babysitting for two children on two to co to coasts for an hour. And so a lot of creativity, parents, grandparents, you know, the beginning was, can you hear me?

05:26 - Can you hear me? And then grandparents became incredibly creative cooking with their grandchildren, singing nursery songs with them, keeping the kids busy, don't cause trouble. In other words, don't put your spouse in a position where they have to choose between you and the in-law, you, you and their parent. Because, you know, we all have obligations to both people. We owe our parents something, they brought us into the world.

05:57 - although certainly in Western countries, we think less of that obligation, but we, we have some obligations. We're probably not gonna leave our parents living under a bridge if we can possibly avoid that. So I would say if follow your spouse's lead on this, I hope you take from the book that all human relationships are complex and the only relationships that can exist are ones that have some difficulties and then move on. So I would urge you all to be forgiving.

06:36 - I would urge you all to understand that there are many, many different ways of relating to people, and they're not necessarily right or wrong.

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