Popular in Social Sciences

Books

City Time: On Being Sentenced to Rikers Island

Independent Scholar David A. Campbell

Culture and Society

The City as a Growth Machine: Toward a Political Economy of Place

New York University Harvey Moltoch

Economics

Gender and Economics

University of California Santa Barbara Shelly Lundberg

American Politics

Keeping the Republic

Boston College Marc Landy

Banks and Policy Organisations

Greening the financial sector

European Investment Bank Matteo Ferrazzi

British Politics

Entrepreneurial thinking: the politics and practice of policy impact

University of Sheffield Matthew Flinders

Culture and Society

Carceral Entrapments: Views from the Prison/Street Interface in India

Indian Institute of Technology Delhi Mahuya Bandyopadhya

Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships

View more insights in Social Sciences - Psychology - Social Psychology

View more figures from University of Denver

View the page of Khara Croswaite Brindle

Read the Study

Khara Croswaite Brindle discusses how unhealthy mother-daughter relationships are examined, emphasizing the enduring effects and need for therapy to find peace and redefine identity.

Image courtesy of interviewee. December 22, 2023

Generating Workspace

Export as PDF

This video video discusses the author's motivations for writing a book on estrangement, particularly between adult children and their parents. Over a decade of therapy with clients revealed a common struggle with the decision to remain in or sever these relationships, mostly rooted in emotional pain and historical trauma.

Estrangement is defined as a significant disconnect in relationships, which can cause profound grief and feelings of loss akin to mourning someone who has died. The author emphasizes that estrangement is often a difficult, non-impulsive decision, complicated by attachment issues and personal identity crises.

The narrative introduces a cycle of estrangement that includes stages such as recognizing abusive family dynamics, questioning these relationships, and the possibility of a relationship rupture that leads to estrangement. The author acknowledges two forms of estrangement: physical and emotional, with each presenting different challenges.

This video video highlights the importance of understanding clients' experiences in therapy, advocating for a neutral, curious approach rather than promoting estrangement or reconciliation. Nine composite client stories are interwoven to illustrate the concepts discussed, demonstrating how individuals navigate their estrangement and identity.

The author aims to help clinicians better support clients going through estrangement by providing insights and skills for therapy, while also recognizing the broader community's role in supporting those affected by estrangement. Ultimately, the text encourages a compassionate, client-centered approach to this complex issue.

Language:

Export as PDF

X-TIMESTAMP-MAP:LOCAL=00:00:00.000,MPEGTS=900000

00:00.105 --> 00:01.805
So what motivated the book was a bunch

00:01.805 --> 00:03.725
of clients I was seeing over the last decade.

00:04.145 --> 00:05.725
Um, all of them had different backgrounds,

00:05.725 --> 00:08.005
different diverse situations happening,

00:08.625 --> 00:11.005
and yet there seemed to be this pattern that they were going

00:11.005 --> 00:13.125
through with questioning should they stay in a relationship

00:13.195 --> 00:15.125
with a parent, in this case their mothers.

00:15.625 --> 00:18.005
And so I decided to write a blog about it, see

00:18.005 --> 00:19.965
what people thought my colleagues validated.

00:19.985 --> 00:23.005
Yep. We're seeing this too, and got kicked off this into

00:23.005 --> 00:25.925
being a book and a model and all sorts of good things.

00:26.145 --> 00:28.885
So, estrangement for folks who are watching

00:29.545 --> 00:30.965
is a permanent

00:31.025 --> 00:33.765
or what feels permanent, disconnect in a relationship.

00:33.825 --> 00:35.845
So estrangement can happen between a parent

00:35.845 --> 00:38.685
and child, it can happen between siblings, it can happen

00:38.685 --> 00:39.965
between extended family.

00:40.505 --> 00:43.365
So I, on a personal level, am married into four generations

00:43.465 --> 00:45.965
of estrangement, which means that four different,

00:46.555 --> 00:47.925
like if you think of that Gina Grant,

00:47.955 --> 00:50.765
like four different lines are disconnected from one

00:50.765 --> 00:51.805
person at the center.

00:52.345 --> 00:55.885
And so although that didn't influence this book, I am owning

00:55.885 --> 00:57.685
that now that I'm also married into

00:58.045 --> 00:59.205
estrangement and see that dynamic.

00:59.825 --> 01:01.805
And my spouse is the one person who's still in contact

01:01.915 --> 01:05.285
with this person who's disconnected from parent, sibling,

01:06.465 --> 01:07.725
son and grandchild.

01:07.985 --> 01:11.245
So, it's actually an, it's a parent of my spouse.

01:11.315 --> 01:13.525
Well, estrangement has a huge grief and loss response.

01:13.765 --> 01:15.645
I think that the community at large thinks

01:15.645 --> 01:18.085
that there's this generation of folks, younger folks

01:18.145 --> 01:19.565
who are estranging from parents

01:19.585 --> 01:22.285
and that it feels easy, quote unquote,

01:22.285 --> 01:23.565
when really it feels like a death.

01:23.705 --> 01:25.125
It feels like a loss to the point

01:25.125 --> 01:27.925
of I'm no longer in contact, they're gone for me.

01:28.385 --> 01:29.845
And so I think that's the biggest thing too.

01:30.115 --> 01:31.485
Name for an audience is like,

01:31.765 --> 01:33.005
estrangement is a difficult choice.

01:33.075 --> 01:35.605
It's a long process. It's not usually impulsive.

01:35.995 --> 01:37.485
There's a lot that goes behind it,

01:37.735 --> 01:39.805
which is why people come into therapy for that work.

01:40.305 --> 01:41.725
Um, and so when it comes to worth

01:41.745 --> 01:44.445
and like attachment trauma, there's a lot of reworking of

01:44.445 --> 01:46.605
who am I without that relationship?

01:46.825 --> 01:48.565
Who am I if I don't have my mother in my life?

01:48.565 --> 01:50.285
Who am I if I don't have my father in my life?

01:50.775 --> 01:54.285
Especially as we navigate holidays, family gatherings,

01:54.285 --> 01:57.245
significant milestones where families expected to be present

01:57.385 --> 01:59.005
but might not be for that individual.

01:59.545 --> 02:02.605
For some people it leads to more like a long lasting,

02:02.605 --> 02:04.565
you know, we think of bereavement as the initial phase,

02:04.565 --> 02:06.885
but now it might be like grief and loss at a longer level.

02:07.505 --> 02:09.565
Uh, it might be something like post-traumatic stress

02:09.765 --> 02:11.725
disorder where it looks like really significant,

02:11.795 --> 02:13.125
like a traumatic loss

02:13.125 --> 02:17.005
because for some folks it is on the relational side,

02:17.025 --> 02:19.925
it makes people reluctant to connect with others, right?

02:19.985 --> 02:23.565
So they might have a, a fear of I can't get close

02:23.565 --> 02:24.925
to anyone because my parent

02:25.065 --> 02:27.365
who in my own narrative is supposed to be safe

02:27.585 --> 02:30.965
and protective and loving unconditional love, right?

02:31.345 --> 02:32.845
But if I'm not connected to that parent,

02:33.385 --> 02:35.405
why would I put myself out there in other relationships?

02:35.665 --> 02:38.925
So I actually see a, a group of people who are kind

02:38.925 --> 02:41.645
of averse to connecting with other people.

02:41.835 --> 02:43.965
They might struggle with intimate partner relationships.

02:43.995 --> 02:46.645
They might self-sabotage those relationships.

02:47.275 --> 02:48.805
They might have a narrative of, Hey,

02:48.965 --> 02:50.285
I can't really get close to anyone.

02:50.365 --> 02:53.045
I can't trust anyone. And so that shows up in therapy

02:53.185 --> 02:54.725
as well as they're like, I want this.

02:55.165 --> 02:57.005
I crave this connection with people,

02:57.065 --> 02:58.805
but I don't feel like I have the

02:58.805 --> 03:00.165
Safety and trust to go there.

03:00.625 --> 03:02.325
And that's a long lasting effect for sure.

03:02.985 --> 03:05.005
So, you know, the estrangement cycle,

03:05.365 --> 03:07.205
I talk about it like being like literally a cycle

03:07.205 --> 03:08.285
where it moves around, right?

03:08.345 --> 03:09.405
But like for a lot of people,

03:09.405 --> 03:11.605
they come into therapy at any point in this cycle.

03:12.105 --> 03:14.205
So in my experience, maybe we just start

03:14.205 --> 03:16.125
with like they recognize that the behavior

03:16.385 --> 03:17.965
of the family member is abusive.

03:18.235 --> 03:20.845
Whether that is traumatic or neglect

03:21.105 --> 03:22.965
or physical, emotional sexual abuse,

03:23.475 --> 03:25.245
they might have this aha moment of,

03:25.335 --> 03:26.965
other families didn't have this dynamic.

03:27.425 --> 03:30.165
Now I'm aware that something's amiss from that.

03:30.165 --> 03:32.285
They move into questioning. So we have eight stages total.

03:32.305 --> 03:34.165
So we go from cycle abuse to questioning

03:34.705 --> 03:37.085
and that questioning might lead them to have a conversation

03:37.435 --> 03:39.005
with the parent where they're like, Hey,

03:39.245 --> 03:40.685
I just wanna like check this out with you.

03:40.685 --> 03:42.885
This is what I remember as a child happening.

03:43.745 --> 03:46.845
If that parent responds favorably with compassion,

03:47.195 --> 03:49.765
then there's, you know, work that can be done to repair.

03:50.275 --> 03:51.845
However, for a group of people,

03:52.275 --> 03:54.765
that dialogue ends up being moving

03:54.885 --> 03:56.205
into a relationship rupture.

03:56.625 --> 03:59.005
So the parent does not respond favorably.

03:59.075 --> 04:00.485
They say, what are you talking about?

04:00.805 --> 04:02.245
I don't know what that, I don't remember

04:02.245 --> 04:03.405
that you're making that up.

04:03.865 --> 04:05.525
You're crazy. All sorts

04:05.525 --> 04:08.405
of really hurtful things can be said when an adult

04:08.405 --> 04:09.485
child asks these questions.

04:10.145 --> 04:11.885
So from that, questioning,

04:11.905 --> 04:13.285
we go into relationship rupture.

04:13.385 --> 04:15.125
If it's really significant, it might lead

04:15.125 --> 04:17.085
to a permanent estrangement, which is,

04:17.125 --> 04:18.165
I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

04:18.835 --> 04:19.885
This doesn't feel healthy.

04:20.395 --> 04:22.565
I've tried everything I can try as the adult child.

04:23.065 --> 04:24.245
So now I'm gonna cut you off.

04:24.695 --> 04:26.165
There are two types of estrangement.

04:26.165 --> 04:28.365
There's physical estrangement and emotional estrangement.

04:28.745 --> 04:30.325
So physical is that proximity of like,

04:30.405 --> 04:32.965
I literally don't ever see you in person.

04:33.185 --> 04:35.405
So I'm not coming to family gatherings, not coming

04:35.405 --> 04:37.045
to holidays, not visiting home.

04:37.715 --> 04:39.605
Sometimes these adult children move away

04:39.865 --> 04:41.325
and don't tell the parent where they moved.

04:41.665 --> 04:43.445
So that physical distance feels really

04:43.445 --> 04:45.365
significant emotionally.

04:45.395 --> 04:46.485
There's another group of people

04:46.485 --> 04:47.765
who step away from their parent

04:48.105 --> 04:49.405
by saying like, I'm just too busy.

04:49.965 --> 04:51.325
Which is funny 'cause I talk about

04:51.325 --> 04:52.365
this with clients all the time.

04:53.025 --> 04:54.485
We are too busy. Um,

04:54.945 --> 04:56.925
but they use that as an excuse to not show up

04:56.925 --> 04:57.965
for the family gathering

04:58.025 --> 04:59.685
or to say like, I can only be here for an hour

04:59.825 --> 05:01.245
or I have to go back to work.

05:01.745 --> 05:03.805
And so it creates this emotional distance, kind

05:03.805 --> 05:05.125
of a slow burn over time.

05:05.785 --> 05:08.645
So physical stranger, it feels more in your face.

05:08.835 --> 05:10.685
This is happening. Like everyone in

05:10.685 --> 05:12.325
that dynamic knows that it's happening.

05:12.715 --> 05:14.685
Emotional estrangement feels like a slow burn

05:14.695 --> 05:17.325
where maybe the parent feels bewildered months

05:17.345 --> 05:18.645
or years later realizing

05:18.645 --> 05:20.645
that they're disconnected from their adult child.

05:21.305 --> 05:23.645
Uh, so from estrangement, as we move further into the cycle,

05:24.195 --> 05:25.765
then we go into grief and loss, right?

05:25.765 --> 05:27.325
Of like, now I, I recognize

05:27.445 --> 05:29.825
as an adult child, I don't feel good.

05:30.065 --> 05:31.305
I feel like I've lost my parents.

05:31.455 --> 05:32.865
It's practically like they died.

05:33.365 --> 05:35.545
And so grief and loss might be when they come into

05:35.545 --> 05:37.865
therapeutic work as well from grief

05:37.865 --> 05:40.705
and loss, then they need to discover sense of self.

05:40.925 --> 05:42.185
Who am I? So your question like

05:42.185 --> 05:43.465
who am I if I don't have my parent?

05:44.175 --> 05:47.225
What is my identity without them, they usually move from

05:47.225 --> 05:49.985
that into deeper work and finally they redefine their self

05:49.985 --> 05:52.345
worth of like if this is a permanent estrangement,

05:52.765 --> 05:55.465
do I still have value in my community if I don't have

05:55.465 --> 05:56.465
attachment to a parent?

05:56.635 --> 05:58.725
Especially 'cause there's still plenty of people

05:58.745 --> 06:02.085
who assume the family system is intact when actually one in

06:02.085 --> 06:04.565
12 people is estranged from at least one family member.

06:04.985 --> 06:06.845
So it's much more common than people realize,

06:07.585 --> 06:08.885
you know, I think it depends on the person.

06:08.985 --> 06:11.525
So something I'm really, really explicit about is

06:11.525 --> 06:14.165
that I'm not here champion a estrangement or reconciliation.

06:14.245 --> 06:16.125
I think it's per person what they need to do

06:16.145 --> 06:17.365
for their own health and wellness.

06:18.235 --> 06:20.685
Some people will go a few stages into the cycle

06:20.745 --> 06:22.365
and then reconcile and be like, you know what?

06:22.425 --> 06:24.645
I'm gonna try again. I'm going to reconnect with my parent.

06:24.825 --> 06:28.365
I'm going to see if we can make it work for my clients.

06:28.435 --> 06:29.565
They had tried that several times

06:29.635 --> 06:30.845
over and they were exhausted.

06:30.955 --> 06:32.925
They were just so tired of trying

06:32.985 --> 06:35.805
so hard feeling like it was one sided feeling like their

06:35.805 --> 06:38.445
parent wasn't acknowledging their experience.

06:38.445 --> 06:39.525
It was just a complete shutdown.

06:39.665 --> 06:42.165
You're wrong, you got it wrong. You don't remember this.

06:42.165 --> 06:46.575
Right? And that was so undervaluing for them.

06:46.575 --> 06:47.895
Like it was just so unhelpful

06:47.895 --> 06:49.255
that they're like, I just have to cut ties.

06:49.955 --> 06:52.375
So folks can go through the whole cycle multiple times

06:52.635 --> 06:55.415
as they like reconcile temporarily or try again.

06:55.605 --> 06:57.215
Some folks won't go through the whole thing.

06:57.595 --> 06:59.775
But for that redefining self-worth kind of at the top

06:59.775 --> 07:02.575
of our image of our cycle, that can be

07:02.725 --> 07:03.775
with or without a parent.

07:04.155 --> 07:05.815
For some people it might be, I

07:06.415 --> 07:08.535
recognize my parent was abusive and my identity shifted

07:08.535 --> 07:10.175
because of that with that new awareness.

07:10.795 --> 07:13.215
So it might not even be about the dynamic between the parent

07:13.215 --> 07:15.615
and them, it's much more like how do I see myself knowing

07:15.615 --> 07:17.335
that I had abuse in my childhood

07:17.595 --> 07:20.415
or had neglected my childhood or trauma in my childhood?

07:20.785 --> 07:22.535
Especially if I say intergenerational

07:22.535 --> 07:23.895
trauma as part of that cycle.

07:24.515 --> 07:26.455
So there's nine, nine client stories

07:26.595 --> 07:27.655
and I put this in quotes

07:27.735 --> 07:30.695
'cause they're a compilation of clients that's not identical

07:30.795 --> 07:32.935
to any one client, but they were inspired

07:32.935 --> 07:33.975
by true client events.

07:34.235 --> 07:37.295
And so nine women's stories that I sprinkled throughout

07:37.295 --> 07:39.255
to illustrate what it looks like in each of those stages.

07:39.345 --> 07:41.735
We've talked about, what it looks like

07:41.755 --> 07:44.375
to question should I go back to talking to my mom?

07:44.715 --> 07:45.735
Did I try hard enough?

07:45.835 --> 07:47.975
So a lot of like inner work that was happening,

07:48.795 --> 07:49.975
that grief and loss.

07:50.235 --> 07:52.975
So, you know, the one that stands out

07:52.975 --> 07:54.655
to me is Nina of the book.

07:54.835 --> 07:57.055
So she had a mother who verbally

07:57.075 --> 07:59.335
and physically abused her since she was eight years old

07:59.835 --> 08:02.695
and then had a lot of like self-doubt when she was an adult

08:02.695 --> 08:05.495
because she had this repeated to her constantly day in,

08:05.495 --> 08:06.495
day out, you're not good enough,

08:06.495 --> 08:07.735
you're not good enough, you're not good enough.

08:08.275 --> 08:11.175
And so she struggled a lot with relationships as an adult,

08:11.175 --> 08:13.375
whether that was friendships, intimate partners.

08:13.955 --> 08:16.375
Um, she actually struggled with addiction at one point,

08:16.515 --> 08:17.815
so she had a lot going on.

08:18.195 --> 08:20.735
And until we actually did some of that self-defining work,

08:21.115 --> 08:22.975
to realize that this wasn't hers to hold,

08:23.475 --> 08:26.695
she was really in like a self-sabotage spiral for years.

08:26.975 --> 08:28.575
I mean we worked together for almost 10 years.

08:29.395 --> 08:32.055
So it was quite a process for her to keep coming back.

08:32.555 --> 08:34.415
And once a year she would always question, do I,

08:34.415 --> 08:36.695
should I talk to my mom Now, you know, she had changed

08:36.755 --> 08:38.495
but we weren't sure if mom had changed at all

08:38.695 --> 08:40.295
'cause mom wasn't in therapy doing her own work.

08:40.915 --> 08:42.975
But for Nina, this was a question once a year

08:43.165 --> 08:44.415
when she really missed her mom.

08:45.135 --> 08:46.935
I know that Nina has the person

08:46.935 --> 08:49.415
that inspired Nina has actually moved to another state

08:49.475 --> 08:51.055
and has built a new life for herself

08:51.115 --> 08:53.615
and she's celebrated about eight years sobriety.

08:53.715 --> 08:54.815
So she's doing really, really well.

08:55.545 --> 08:57.525
Um, but you know, there's that, that pain, that grief

08:57.525 --> 08:59.285
and loss every year at trauma anniversaries

08:59.305 --> 09:01.965
and holidays like Mother's Day where, you know,

09:01.965 --> 09:03.565
it just like hits her hard like any other

09:03.565 --> 09:04.805
person estranged from their mother.

09:05.195 --> 09:06.885
That mother is not part of this equation.

09:07.145 --> 09:08.525
And so when these holidays come up,

09:08.525 --> 09:10.245
it just really brings the grief back

09:10.245 --> 09:11.885
to the surface for anyone really.

09:12.265 --> 09:13.805
That's where I wanted to write this book.

09:13.885 --> 09:15.805
I didn't feel like there was a book for clinicians.

09:16.005 --> 09:17.925
I think there are books for parents, there's parent,

09:17.925 --> 09:19.525
there's books for the adult children.

09:20.305 --> 09:23.245
Um, I wanted to come at this with, hey, we need

09:23.245 --> 09:24.845
to be curious, we need to be neutral.

09:25.305 --> 09:27.565
So one of the nine assumptions I name in the book is

09:27.565 --> 09:29.645
that therapists are telling their adult clients

09:29.745 --> 09:31.805
to disconnect from their parent.

09:32.185 --> 09:33.885
So basically saying that we are championing

09:34.165 --> 09:35.325
estrangement, which we're not.

09:35.905 --> 09:37.645
And so this book really talks about

09:37.865 --> 09:39.565
how can we navigate this with neutrality?

09:39.745 --> 09:41.525
How can we be curious about their experience?

09:41.525 --> 09:42.965
How can we help them on their journey?

09:43.235 --> 09:44.765
Even if they don't go through the whole cycle?

09:44.905 --> 09:47.325
Is this helpful for them to say here's the mile marker of

09:47.325 --> 09:48.725
where we are in the therapeutic work.

09:49.465 --> 09:51.005
Um, so I talk about, you know,

09:51.005 --> 09:53.805
24 different skills in the book that you can utilize

09:53.825 --> 09:55.405
to help women in this process

09:55.785 --> 09:57.165
or men, it was written for women

09:57.225 --> 09:58.805
and as daughters, but men also.

09:59.345 --> 10:00.725
And then I also talk about community

10:00.985 --> 10:02.645
and what community can say that hurts

10:02.645 --> 10:04.445
or helps someone who's in estrangement.

10:04.715 --> 10:06.685
It's not just us as therapist doing this work, it's

10:06.685 --> 10:09.645
how are they building a community of folks who understand

10:09.665 --> 10:12.165
how difficult this was and hold a lot of compassion.

10:12.935 --> 10:14.595
So I actually built, in the book,

10:14.635 --> 10:16.315
I named some clinical competencies.

10:16.455 --> 10:19.715
So I broke it down into like intake assessment.

10:19.715 --> 10:21.955
When you first start with a client to interventions,

10:21.955 --> 10:25.355
which is the meat of the work we do to kind of that wrap up

10:25.375 --> 10:26.755
of, hey, the work is done with us,

10:26.895 --> 10:28.235
you're moving on with your life.

10:28.695 --> 10:31.715
And so by like labeling these competencies saying if you do

10:31.715 --> 10:34.675
this, rank yourself on how well you do the things.

10:34.745 --> 10:36.355
Like is this something that was in your awareness?

10:36.855 --> 10:38.795
For some clinicians, they look at this checklist

10:38.975 --> 10:40.675
and go, I didn't even think about it this way.

10:41.055 --> 10:43.155
So that to me is, is the mission of like,

10:43.225 --> 10:44.315
there's the curiosity.

10:44.615 --> 10:47.395
Oh, I need to look at this differently than I have.

10:47.855 --> 10:49.315
So many of us have our own stuff.

10:49.495 --> 10:50.515
Uh, especially if we have,

10:50.595 --> 10:52.355
I mean if we're mother daughter dynamic

10:52.615 --> 10:54.515
or we have a mother,

10:54.665 --> 10:57.035
this can really bring up some stuff for the clinicians too.

10:57.255 --> 10:59.915
So I think having those competencies to ground them in

10:59.915 --> 11:02.355
that while also saying, here's some client stories to have

11:02.355 --> 11:05.355
that empathy and compassion breaks open.

11:05.495 --> 11:07.875
Any kind of bias that they might've had of like,

11:08.135 --> 11:10.675
I'm pro estrangement or I'm pro reconciliation.

11:11.275 --> 11:12.515
I don't think we get to make that choice.

11:12.695 --> 11:14.035
Our clients get to make that choice.

11:14.255 --> 11:17.155
So I really challenge that throughout the book as well. I.

00:00 - So what motivated the book was a bunch of clients I was seeing over the last decade. all of them had different backgrounds, different diverse situations happening, and yet there seemed to be this pattern that they were going through with questioning should they stay in a relationship

00:13 - with a parent, in this case their mothers. And so I decided to write a blog about it, see what people thought my colleagues validated. Yep. We're seeing this too, and got kicked off this into being a book and a model and all sorts of good things. So, estrangement for folks who are watching is a permanent or what feels permanent, disconnect in a relationship. So estrangement can happen between a parent and child, it can happen between siblings, it can happen

00:38 - between extended family. So I, on a personal level, am married into four generations of estrangement, which means that four different, like if you think of that Gina Grant, like four different lines are disconnected from one person at the center. And so although that didn't influence this book, I am owning that now that I'm also married into estrangement and see that dynamic. And my spouse is the one person who's still in contact

01:01 - with this person who's disconnected from parent, sibling, son and grandchild. So, it's actually an, it's a parent of my spouse. Well, estrangement has a huge grief and loss response. I think that the community at large thinks that there's this generation of folks, younger folks who are estranging from parents and that it feels easy, quote unquote, when really it feels like a death. It feels like a loss to the point

01:25 - of I'm no longer in contact, they're gone for me. And so I think that's the biggest thing too. Name for an audience is like, estrangement is a difficult choice. It's a long process. It's not usually impulsive. There's a lot that goes behind it, which is why people come into therapy for that work. and so when it comes to worth and like attachment trauma, there's a lot of reworking of who am I without that relationship?

01:46 - Who am I if I don't have my mother in my life? Who am I if I don't have my father in my life? Especially as we navigate holidays, family gatherings, significant milestones where families expected to be present but might not be for that individual. For some people it leads to more like a long lasting, you know, we think of bereavement as the initial phase, but now it might be like grief and loss at a longer level. it might be something like post-traumatic stress disorder where it looks like really significant,

02:11 - like a traumatic loss because for some folks it is on the relational side, it makes people reluctant to connect with others, right? So they might have a, a fear of I can't get close to anyone because my parent who in my own narrative is supposed to be safe and protective and loving unconditional love, right? But if I'm not connected to that parent, why would I put myself out there in other relationships? So I actually see a, a group of people who are kind

02:38 - of averse to connecting with other people. They might struggle with intimate partner relationships. They might self-sabotage those relationships. They might have a narrative of, Hey, I can't really get close to anyone. I can't trust anyone. And so that shows up in therapy as well as they're like, I want this. I crave this connection with people, but I don't feel like I have the Safety and trust to go there.

03:00 - And that's a long lasting effect for sure. So, you know, the estrangement cycle, I talk about it like being like literally a cycle where it moves around, right? But like for a lot of people, they come into therapy at any point in this cycle. So in my experience, maybe we just start with like they recognize that the behavior of the family member is abusive. Whether that is traumatic or neglect

03:21 - or physical, emotional sexual abuse, they might have this aha moment of, other families didn't have this dynamic. Now I'm aware that something's amiss from that. They move into questioning. So we have eight stages total. So we go from cycle abuse to questioning and that questioning might lead them to have a conversation with the parent where they're like, Hey, I just wanna like check this out with you. This is what I remember as a child happening.

03:43 - If that parent responds favorably with compassion, then there's, you know, work that can be done to repair. However, for a group of people, that dialogue ends up being moving into a relationship rupture. So the parent does not respond favorably. They say, what are you talking about? I don't know what that, I don't remember that you're making that up. You're crazy. All sorts

04:05 - of really hurtful things can be said when an adult child asks these questions. So from that, questioning, we go into relationship rupture. If it's really significant, it might lead to a permanent estrangement, which is, I don't wanna talk to you anymore. This doesn't feel healthy. I've tried everything I can try as the adult child. So now I'm gonna cut you off.

04:24 - There are two types of estrangement. There's physical estrangement and emotional estrangement. So physical is that proximity of like, I literally don't ever see you in person. So I'm not coming to family gatherings, not coming to holidays, not visiting home. Sometimes these adult children move away and don't tell the parent where they moved. So that physical distance feels really significant emotionally.

04:45 - There's another group of people who step away from their parent by saying like, I'm just too busy. Which is funny 'cause I talk about this with clients all the time. We are too busy. but they use that as an excuse to not show up for the family gathering or to say like, I can only be here for an hour or I have to go back to work.

05:01 - And so it creates this emotional distance, kind of a slow burn over time. So physical stranger, it feels more in your face. This is happening. Like everyone in that dynamic knows that it's happening. Emotional estrangement feels like a slow burn where maybe the parent feels bewildered months or years later realizing that they're disconnected from their adult child. so from estrangement, as we move further into the cycle,

05:24 - then we go into grief and loss, right? Of like, now I, I recognize as an adult child, I don't feel good. I feel like I've lost my parents. It's practically like they died. And so grief and loss might be when they come into therapeutic work as well from grief and loss, then they need to discover sense of self. Who am I? So your question like who am I if I don't have my parent?

05:44 - What is my identity without them, they usually move from that into deeper work and finally they redefine their self worth of like if this is a permanent estrangement, do I still have value in my community if I don't have attachment to a parent? Especially 'cause there's still plenty of people who assume the family system is intact when actually one in 12 people is estranged from at least one family member. So it's much more common than people realize, you know, I think it depends on the person.

06:08 - So something I'm really, really explicit about is that I'm not here champion a estrangement or reconciliation. I think it's per person what they need to do for their own health and wellness. Some people will go a few stages into the cycle and then reconcile and be like, you know what? I'm gonna try again. I'm going to reconnect with my parent. I'm going to see if we can make it work for my clients. They had tried that several times over and they were exhausted.

06:30 - They were just so tired of trying so hard feeling like it was one sided feeling like their parent wasn't acknowledging their experience. It was just a complete shutdown. You're wrong, you got it wrong. You don't remember this. Right? And that was so undervaluing for them. Like it was just so unhelpful that they're like, I just have to cut ties. So folks can go through the whole cycle multiple times as they like reconcile temporarily or try again.

06:55 - Some folks won't go through the whole thing. But for that redefining self-worth kind of at the top of our image of our cycle, that can be with or without a parent. For some people it might be, I recognize my parent was abusive and my identity shifted because of that with that new awareness. So it might not even be about the dynamic between the parent and them, it's much more like how do I see myself knowing that I had abuse in my childhood

07:17 - or had neglected my childhood or trauma in my childhood? Especially if I say intergenerational trauma as part of that cycle. So there's nine, nine client stories and I put this in quotes 'cause they're a compilation of clients that's not identical to any one client, but they were inspired by true client events. And so nine women's stories that I sprinkled throughout to illustrate what it looks like in each of those stages.

07:39 - We've talked about, what it looks like to question should I go back to talking to my mom? Did I try hard enough? So a lot of like inner work that was happening, that grief and loss. So, you know, the one that stands out to me is Nina of the book. So she had a mother who verbally and physically abused her since she was eight years old and then had a lot of like self-doubt when she was an adult

08:02 - because she had this repeated to her constantly day in, day out, you're not good enough, you're not good enough, you're not good enough. And so she struggled a lot with relationships as an adult, whether that was friendships, intimate partners. she actually struggled with addiction at one point, so she had a lot going on. And until we actually did some of that self-defining work, to realize that this wasn't hers to hold, she was really in like a self-sabotage spiral for years.

08:26 - I mean we worked together for almost 10 years. So it was quite a process for her to keep coming back. And once a year she would always question, do I, should I talk to my mom Now, you know, she had changed but we weren't sure if mom had changed at all 'cause mom wasn't in therapy doing her own work. But for Nina, this was a question once a year when she really missed her mom. I know that Nina has the person that inspired Nina has actually moved to another state

08:49 - and has built a new life for herself and she's celebrated about eight years sobriety. So she's doing really, really well. but you know, there's that, that pain, that grief and loss every year at trauma anniversaries and holidays like Mother's Day where, you know, it just like hits her hard like any other person estranged from their mother. That mother is not part of this equation. And so when these holidays come up,

09:08 - it just really brings the grief back to the surface for anyone really. That's where I wanted to write this book. I didn't feel like there was a book for clinicians. I think there are books for parents, there's parent, there's books for the adult children. I wanted to come at this with, hey, we need to be curious, we need to be neutral. So one of the nine assumptions I name in the book is that therapists are telling their adult clients

09:29 - to disconnect from their parent. So basically saying that we are championing estrangement, which we're not. And so this book really talks about how can we navigate this with neutrality? How can we be curious about their experience? How can we help them on their journey? Even if they don't go through the whole cycle? Is this helpful for them to say here's the mile marker of where we are in the therapeutic work.

09:49 - so I talk about, you know, 24 different skills in the book that you can utilize to help women in this process or men, it was written for women and as daughters, but men also. And then I also talk about community and what community can say that hurts or helps someone who's in estrangement. It's not just us as therapist doing this work, it's how are they building a community of folks who understand

10:09 - how difficult this was and hold a lot of compassion. So I actually built, in the book, I named some clinical competencies. So I broke it down into like intake assessment. When you first start with a client to interventions, which is the meat of the work we do to kind of that wrap up of, hey, the work is done with us, you're moving on with your life. And so by like labeling these competencies saying if you do this, rank yourself on how well you do the things.

10:34 - Like is this something that was in your awareness? For some clinicians, they look at this checklist and go, I didn't even think about it this way. So that to me is, is the mission of like, there's the curiosity. I need to look at this differently than I have. So many of us have our own stuff. especially if we have, I mean if we're mother daughter dynamic or we have a mother,

10:54 - this can really bring up some stuff for the clinicians too. So I think having those competencies to ground them in that while also saying, here's some client stories to have that empathy and compassion breaks open. Any kind of bias that they might've had of like, I'm pro estrangement or I'm pro reconciliation. I don't think we get to make that choice. Our clients get to make that choice. So I really challenge that throughout the book as well. I.

Faculti AI can make mistakes